OMG What does life want from me???

          Sometimes, I don't know where to start... Other times, I am not sure where I'm going. People who know ask me, "How do you do it? How do you cope?" I really don't know. I pray. I cry. I pull my hair out... What good would that do? Nothing. So, I cling to the last bit of hope that I have. The little gleam. It is like search for the silver lining in a destructive hurricane that tears down a town. I sit in silence for hours. You can almost hear the wheels turning in my head and smell the smoke from the gears working overtime. I really don't know what to do. No one showed me. No one taught me. They did not tell me what I would need to do? No one wanted to show me how to go about it. THEY didn't care and they still don't. The people I was suppose to depend on have quickly turned their backs on me. If you can not rely on these people for help, who can you rely on? Apparently not MY PARENTS!

          After years of trying to figure out what was wrong with me. I talk to a therapist. It took a year for all parties in these sessions to realize that I grew up without a "support system". Digging into my brain; I came to see that it was true, but she was sugar coating it. She was trying to be nice. I assumed it was for my emotional benefit. I remember the first few sessions. I walked in there thinking: I am the issue. I am not right. I was my own problem. Why couldn't I be happy with a lowly job? Why couldn't I be happy with a simple desk job? Why did I have such high standards when it comes to dating men? Let us be honest here. Why wasn't I satisfied with having a low-income, no advancement bullshit job? Why can't I just keep my mouth shut when someone belittles me? Was it really me???

11/1/15

     I hate that I have to be fake with my mother. I mean, I care about her. I do not want anything to happen to her. If she died I would cry. But as if I don't have enough to deal with she is a see-saw Bipolar baby. She acts like a snotty little needy child that I have to constantly reassure that everyone in the world is crazy and not her, otherwise I become the fucking bitch sabotaging her life. The minute I need her parental advice or wisdom. She turns around and starts accusing my children of lying to me and I am being taken for a sucker by them. Antagonizing the calm in the air because as they say "she can not leave well enough alone." I do not know how she doesn't live in California.